The most difficult thing to say, write or share is a story of loss.
Several times I planned and anticipated the arrival of a child, a new born. Sometimes I was shopping around department stores, I would stroll through the baby and infant department. I have actually purchased a toy, teether, or onesie. Then a few weeks later find out that my estimated due date will never arrive. Some of the purchases I donated and some of them I've given away to friends, while others I wasn't able to part with.
It helps to talk about my and share with anyone willing to hear. People have asked, "does the hurt of the pain from a loss get any easier?" The answer, simply put is no, the pain doesn't really get easier. What helps during the grieving process is support from friends, family, and therapy. Remember that it is okay to say, you're not okay. Some days will be hard - on those days don't force yourself to be happy or do anything that causes you to mask how you are feeling. It is already a battle that you have to take on silently within.
When I wasn't honest with myself, or with other loved ones, pretending to be happy started to come easy. The real challenge was when the false sense happiness had to end. It all made me feel like the only way I could enjoy time out was if I put on a persona, and at the end of the day continue to compartmentalize everything to push forward.
A few things that have helped with my healing, mental health, and finding authentic happiness are listed here.
Don't pretend to be happy
Be honest with yourself about what you are feeling. When you need a break, or have to take a moment, take it! You may feel angry, overwhelmed with sadness, or maybe both sad and overwhelmed. It may be hard to be around others. When someone asks if you 'okay', or it is okay to be honest with them. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You don't have to act like you have it all together. Give yourself time and space to grieve, you and your feelings are valid.
Take care of you first.
Don't blame yourself
Let go of all self blame! SIDS and miscarriages can happen for reasons that no one can control. Don't go through the cycle of what you could have done differently or should have done something differently. Remember that a loss is never yours or your body's fault.
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched, but are felt in the heart.”
HELEN KELLER
Speak to someone
Support groups, and professional help(psychologist), are an important part of your grief journey. Surrounding yourself with people who support you. I found a huge comfort in surrounding myself with friends and family that supported me. I was actually surprised to learn that many people close to me were on the same journey after a loss. Speaking to other people definitely made me feel less alone.
Support Groups
I found the most supportive support group on whattoexpect.com . It was a safe space to talk about how I felt and the impact it had on our family. The families in the support group also gave me comfort when I was considering trying to conceive after a loss. The group allowed me to speak freely and honestly.
Take care of yourself
It is important to let yourself mourn that loss in a way that will help you heal. Trying to heal does not mean that you are forgetting your baby or negating your experience.
Go out with a few friends and enjoy a day off or a night out.
Taking care of yourself doesn't mean that you are forgetting your baby or negating your experience. The goal is holistic healing.
Naming my babies made it easier for me heal. By name, baby has a place in my heart and always in our family. Keeping a journal; it helped me while healing to journal about my loss and the experience and time with baby.
You're never alone
Remember that it is and it will be okay. Your mental health is most important after a loss. If you're looking for a support group, ask you physician, hospital staff, or search online like whattoexpect.com. The way that you grieve, won't be the same way others grieve, so take your journey at your pace. Many people find it helpful to name their babies or remember them in tangible ways. You can plant a tree, light a candle in remembrance, or have a special piece of jewelry made. You never have to take this walk alone.
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